As I began this transition, I was doing very well with the acknowledgement of the many emotions I was feeling. I was doing well at noticing them, accepting them, and then letting them go. I felt strong, and was letting go, in small steps, to so many things, but a few weeks ago I felt like I hit a road block. There were some things going on that I am not comfortable sharing, but they quickly put a stop to the progress I was making, and if I am being honest, took me to what I think has been my rock bottom in this whole experience. It was hard, and it hurt. I felt lost, and I was so very unprepared for the moment of hitting rock bottom. So unprepared. But lucky for me I have the most amazing friends, and support system. Those friends, they had my back, they stood with me, they cried with me, and they lifted me up. They were there at a time when the world around me was crashing yet again. Because of them I am sitting here sharing my story, without them I am not sure I would be feeling as well as I am today.
And so I continue to move forward, and as I do, little things come into my life at unexpected times. Two weeks ago, as I shopped at a lovely little store, a book on forgiveness stood before me. I walked by it at first, but then I went back and picked it up. In that moment I knew what the next step on this journey was. I knew that I needed the healing power of forgiveness. I knew I needed to empower myself by moving to a place of forgiveness. I knew that if I didn't move through to forgiveness I would be blocking future healing and growth. I knew that I had this precious gift, my life, and in order to move forward in a way that is true to who I am, I needed to arrive at forgiveness.
On February 1 I began this journey. Daily I read a small quote from the book before my morning meditation, and then I let it sit with me. I return to it throughout the day, and just let it be with me as I move through my day. I can't quite express how much it is helping me, how it is lifting some of that heaviness that has been weighing me down, and how it has been allowing more and more light into my days. I am only eleven days in, but already I can feel a deep shift, a shift in my heart, the heart that was broken but is slowly healing.
Forgiveness isn't easy, and at times I wonder if I can fully forgive, but I know in order to enjoy this precious gift, this life of mine, it is something I must do. My journey to forgiveness has began, and I am sure it will be a work in progress for quite some time, but with each passing day I will get a little bit closer.
So hard to do with the big things in life, even when you know you have to do it for your own sake not theirs. But I guess you also have to do it for Reece's sake, which is maybe even more powerful. Keep going with your healing, you will get there, one day the weight will be completely gone XXXReplyDelete
It is hard Sally, but like you said necessary for me, and for Reece. Thank you. xoDelete
you are in my prayers dearest. Life is at times not fair and we wonder why why why. I believe you are destine for greatness, for love, and the forgiveness has already started when you bought the book. Be gentle and kind to yourself, you have been dealt a shock and it hasn't been a year!!ReplyDelete
Thank you Karen, for your kind and gentle words. I have to keep reminding myself that it is all so new still. I know with more time forgiveness and healing will definitely come.Delete
Kim, I can imagine how hard this path is for you at times. Even though I have not experienced it the way you have, I have seen my mom go through it and experienced it with her. It was hard and there were so many days it felt that it would never be ok again. Time does heal and you will get through this! Hugs!!ReplyDelete
Thank you Anke. It has been hard, and some days are the toughest I have faced. But I also know many others before me have survived, and thrived, and I hold onto that and know that one day too I will be one of those people. xoDelete
And I hope your journey will keep moving you forward to a better place dear friend. I think of you everyday.ReplyDelete
I've always thought that it isn't the forgivng that is hard, but the forgetting... even if we think we have forgotten, holding on to the past is what weighs us down. They are hard to differenciate since they so tightly bound, but if you aare able to do it, it can be quite freeing.
Sending you love and hopefully a bit of light.
Thanks Yanic. Yes, I have been thinking about the same thing actually. I guess I will never forget, but hopefully I will come to a place where I can look back and see it as an experience that brought me into a better place.Delete
Kim, you know I feel where you're coming from. This journey can get very hard.ReplyDelete
Hitting rock bottom hurts but it's necessary to move on to the next stage. I'm almost 4years out and still working on forgiveness, not so much forgiving my ex, but forgiving myself. That is what I've always had the hardest time with. I constantly ridicule myself and end up carrying the weight of my past, but it's part of the process of moving on.
I honestly don't know how people move on so quickly without sorting through all the hurt and pain. There are times when I feel like I'm ready for more, but the truth is I need this time to be alone, to be still and become the woman I'm becoming. You won't be the same 3 months from now, 6 months from now, and definitely not the same a year from now. All you have to do is continue to endure. Minute by minute some days and you will get to the other side. *Much love*
I do know Darcel, and I feel good knowing there are others out there, like you, that are moving through similar experiences.Delete
I feel a deep need to sort through the hurt and pain, as I don't think I can properly move forward without doing so. Continue to endure....wise words my friend, and exactly what I have been doing, and will continue to do, both for me, and for my little man.
Thank you. xo
Forgiveness isn't easy. Al all. But it is worth it in the end even if it feels like the wrong road. I will be here by your side following your journey and offering a virtual hand to hold in support. xReplyDelete
I know it will be worth it, both for my heart and for my future. Thank you my friend, that means a lot. xoDelete
I grew up a child of divorce and then some. I saw my mother go through some pretty tough times but she got through it. Forgiveness took time but it transformed her and she emerged a stronger person. Her own person. Many blessings to you on your journey, Kim. xxReplyDelete
Thank you for sharing Tamara, and for your blessings. xoDelete
When I think of these sorts of emotional journeys,the ones that we take in the darkest times in life, the support of others as we walk our steps is so important. While they cannot take our place on that often painful road, friends can be there to hold us while we rest, to place a gentle hand under our elbow and to urge us forward. Keep going, Kim and one day you will get to the end of this journey and forgiveness will be there waiting and it will lighten your heart. Meg:)ReplyDelete
Yes, my friends have been amazing. And as they say, difficult times really show you who your true friends are. I feel so much love and gratitude to those who have stood by me. They are incredible.Delete
Thank you for those kind words Meg. xo
sending love <3. i really struggle with full forgiveness, and wonder if it is possible. i hope every step brings you more peace. xoReplyDelete
Thanks Carlin. Yes, as I move through this journey, I wonder if I will get to complete forgiveness. I like to think I can, but only time will tell.Delete
Oh Kim...the journey you are in is such a difficult one and you are so strong to be where you are at in the path. I'm so glad to you hear that you have an amazing support system and that light and lightheartedness is coming back to your days. I am a strong believer in the power of forgiveness...it is because it is ourselves (not the one that needs forgiving) that we are releasing in the act. So glad you found that book !!! xoxoReplyDelete
Thank you Erica, for your kind words. I love how you put that....we are releasing ourselves in the act of forgiveness. If I can keep looking at it that way, it becomes easier. And the book I am using does that in a very real and tangible way.Delete
Forgiveness is not easy for me and I struggle with it sometimes too. I think it's really good that you are taking this journey with such mindfulness and attention to your own needs. I think the book sounds wonderful and I hope it will help you in your journey.ReplyDelete
Thank you Jennifer.Delete
Forgiveness can be so fleeting. There are times I almost feel it in my grasp and then a wave of emotions, or a memory...a smell, a song, a meal...will make it out of my reach once again. I am not sure forgiveness is truly a destination; I see it as a challenging trek with many peaks and valleys. My thoughts are with you while you are on this journey. Much love and wishes for peace xoReplyDelete
Yes, it can be, I think though it is because we are both in the midst of this new journey. I am hoping that with time it gets easier, as the hurt and sadness diminishes, and life moves on. I agree there will be many peaks and valleys on this journey, and challenging it will be, but I think so very worth it in the end.Delete
Much love to you too my friend. xo
Некоторые поступки близких людей действительно трудно простить и забыть, особенно, если не простил сразу, в первые 24 часа. тогда они ложатся тяжелым грузом на сердце и мы носим их с собой как тяжкий груз и не можем сбросить его. как чудесно, что тебе попалась книга о прощении.ReplyDelete
Когда мне трудно кого-либо простить я медитирую и представляю как из моего сердца летит шар фиолетового пламени в сердце человека, который обидел меня. сначала это происходит с трудом, но позже, когда прикладываешь больше стараний, стена между людьми исчезает, сердце восстанавливается и можно видеть как ты обнимаешься с другим человеком и тогда чувствуешь, что твое сердце отпустило груз и можно идти дальше.
Дай Бог тебе силы простить и идти дальше.
С любовью от сердца, Руслан из далекой России..
Yes, hard to forgive and forget. I love the imagine of your heart flying into the heart of the person who offended you...that is powerful on so many levels.Delete
Thank you for your kind words.
I'm so sorry to hear that things have been rough again. But I am glad to hear that once again that great support system you've built is there for you. Time will help heal this. Hugs my dear friend.ReplyDelete
Yes, my friends have been amazing, and I feel so blessed. Thank you my friend. xoDelete
This does sound like a very difficult journey Kim, with constant road blocks springing up when the road ahead was starting to look clear. Glad to hear than you have such wonderful friends close by. Sending you much love and hugs across the miles.ReplyDelete
That is it exactly Emma. I had this little bit of time where things were starting to clear and then rock bottom hit. It was hard, but my head is above water again, and I am breathing in the fresh air and feeling good. So much is responsible for that, and my focus on forgiveness is definitely part of it.Delete
Thinking of you. Thank you for your honesty and rawness in this post. It's one of the things I love about your blog, that you are real. Another commenter said it well "you will get to the other side". And, you know that-its just so hard now. We're all cheering for you.ReplyDelete
Thank you Jen, for your thoughts and your kind words. In my heart I know I will get to the other side, but sometimes my head finds that hard to believe. I just have to keep reminding myself that in time this too shall pass.Delete
Thank you, I love having the support of all you wonderful people. It means a lot to me. xo
You are so brave and so strong Kim, I admire those qualities in you; I am not. Forgiveness after being hurt is something I work hard on, but it's not easy.ReplyDelete
Please know that I pray for you and Reece, always. Remember that there are up and down days so be kind to yourself. Much love and happy weekend.
Thank you Tracey, for your beautiful and kind words. It is hard isn't it? I am finding the book I found to be very helpful, and this week had a few very whoa moments with some of the readings.Delete
I appreciate your prayers, we could definitely use them. I am tying to be kind to myself, though that is not always easy either :)
Sending you comfort from Holland! Oh hoe I recognise the things you write, i have learned my lessons in the last few years and definitely forgiving is one of them. 'Forgive others not because they need forgiveniss but because you deserve peace' has been printed and hung over my desk for a while. After that I decided to let go of certain illusions that kept me from appreciating life as it is...... I have become a better person by experiencing such huge steps, I hope and am sure you will do that too! Love from PatriesReplyDelete
Oh that is so good, thank you for sharing that. I think I will be printing that and hanging it up in my home. It is so true, this journey I am on is not about forgiving what has been done to me or the person who is responsible, but more about letting go, and finding peace within myself so I can move forward from a place that is true to who I am. Thank you for sharing your story, I appreciate it.Delete
Oh Kim. I am so sorry. I have not been blogging lately, or reading them for that matter, so I was out of touch with what you and Reese have gone through. My heart hurts for you and I know all too well the familiar sting of your pain. Being a single mama is HARD. It has beautiful moments, but also very trying moments as well. Every single day I pray for peace - for me, my kids and our entire situation. You are talented and beautiful. You will be OK. But that doesn't mean the moments in between aren't filled with doubt and fear. I have been a single mama for a year and a half now and I have learned to accept help from friends and family. My job is going well and providing. Even though I would have NEVER written our story this way, I have seen God's faithfulness throughout. Hang in there and stay strong. You are doing amazing things each and ever day. Feel free to get in touch via email if you ever need a more private shoulder to lean on. I will try to check in more often, even though blogging has become quite sporadic for me. Hold fast, Kim.ReplyDelete
Hello Kristen, it has been a while, thanks for stopping in, and thank you for your most generous and kind comment. Believe it or not, it is you, as well as a few others who have often been on my mind during the tough days. Even though we haven't been in touch, knowing that you had moved through a similar situation, and were doing well was inspiration for me, and has helped tremendously.Delete
Thank you for sharing. xo
Thank you SO much for sharing! I have been working on forgiveness, as well.ReplyDelete
You are most welcome :)Delete
Kim- thanks so much for sharing these beautiful, heartfelt words. I have also been working a lot on understanding and forgiveness, including forgiving myself, and it has helped so much (although I think a book to guide me may be helpful..... I will have to look into that!). These journeys that we are on right now are so full of ups and downs and yes, friends, FRIENDS! They have been my guidance and my pillars, and I am so grateful (YOU too are included in that, my friend!). And please know that I am here for you too, in whatever way you need. Let the healing begin!ReplyDelete
Thank you my friend, for your kind and sweet words, I appreciate them. I hope you know the same is true here, anything you need just say the word :)Delete
Yes, it has begun, and although it is slow, it feels good that it has at least begun.
oh kim, you are such an incredibly strong and beautiful woman... although i know you probably don't often feel that way. i am in awe of you, and your beautiful honestly. what a shining light you must be for others going through similar situations.ReplyDelete
Thank you Jenny, for those kind and sweet words. You are right, there have been many days where I don't feel strong at all, but there are days that I do, and those are the ones I try to hang onto.Delete
Your comment means a lot to me, thank you again. xo
Thank you for sharing this! Forgiveness is such a journey, I think. My mum gifted Adam a book called Amish Grace, which deeply reflects on forgiveness, and I am looking forward to reading it.ReplyDelete
I am so thankful you have great friends that are helping your through this journey! Thinking of you! <3
It is a hard journey, that's for sure, but I am finding it to be very beneficial for my healing, and that makes it worth it. I will have to look for that book, thanks for sharing.Delete
Thank you my friend, means a lot to know your thoughts are will me. xo
Kim, I have absolutely no idea what is going on in your life- but I do know from your writings that you are walking thru it with grace. Grace is something that I have always seen you as- graceful. Somehow, some way you will get thru this- forgiveness is definitely a good way to start this path. Sending healing thoughts and love. XoxoReplyDelete
Aw, thank you Camilla. I am certainly trying, but is hasn't been easy, for so many reasons. You can read more here about the new path I am walking....http://www.motheringwithmindfulness.com/2015/11/new-moon-beginnings.htmlDelete