As I began this transition, I was doing very well with the acknowledgement of the many emotions I was feeling. I was doing well at noticing them, accepting them, and then letting them go. I felt strong, and was letting go, in small steps, to so many things, but a few weeks ago I felt like I hit a road block. There were some things going on that I am not comfortable sharing, but they quickly put a stop to the progress I was making, and if I am being honest, took me to what I think has been my rock bottom in this whole experience. It was hard, and it hurt. I felt lost, and I was so very unprepared for the moment of hitting rock bottom. So unprepared. But lucky for me I have the most amazing friends, and support system. Those friends, they had my back, they stood with me, they cried with me, and they lifted me up. They were there at a time when the world around me was crashing yet again. Because of them I am sitting here sharing my story, without them I am not sure I would be feeling as well as I am today.
And so I continue to move forward, and as I do, little things come into my life at unexpected times. Two weeks ago, as I shopped at a lovely little store, a book on forgiveness stood before me. I walked by it at first, but then I went back and picked it up. In that moment I knew what the next step on this journey was. I knew that I needed the healing power of forgiveness. I knew I needed to empower myself by moving to a place of forgiveness. I knew that if I didn't move through to forgiveness I would be blocking future healing and growth. I knew that I had this precious gift, my life, and in order to move forward in a way that is true to who I am, I needed to arrive at forgiveness.
On February 1 I began this journey. Daily I read a small quote from the book before my morning meditation, and then I let it sit with me. I return to it throughout the day, and just let it be with me as I move through my day. I can't quite express how much it is helping me, how it is lifting some of that heaviness that has been weighing me down, and how it has been allowing more and more light into my days. I am only eleven days in, but already I can feel a deep shift, a shift in my heart, the heart that was broken but is slowly healing.
Forgiveness isn't easy, and at times I wonder if I can fully forgive, but I know in order to enjoy this precious gift, this life of mine, it is something I must do. My journey to forgiveness has began, and I am sure it will be a work in progress for quite some time, but with each passing day I will get a little bit closer.