Tuesday, January 29, 2013

What If


Reece was giggling in the change room as I tried to wiggle out of my wet swimsuit. We had just finished swimming at the local pool and were enjoying a few jokes and giggles as we bundled ourselves up to head outside into the blustery cold just waiting to wrap its winter arms around us.

I tried to keep him giggling. I didn't want him to hear it. A toddler in the other dressing room, upset, hitting her mother. The mother calmly at first, and then not so calmly, telling her we don't hit. I tried my best to keep the jokes and giggles going, I didn't want him to hear. I could tell things were escalating. Then a loud slap and a crying child.

My. heart. sank.

Reece, now concerned, as the child cried, began to ask questions. I wasn't quite sure what to say. And as I think back I am not even sure what I said. I just gathered up our stuff and left as fast as we could.


This has been on my mind all weekend. And the question I keep asking myself is: What If?

What if...she had felt comfortable enough to ask for help? To allow herself a moment to step away and take a deep breath.

What if...I had felt comfortable enough to knock on the change room door to offer help, so she could take that moment?

What if...our society was more open to helping each other?

What if...I didn't feel afraid to offer help, afraid that I might offend her, or make her feel like I was judging her?

What if...just keeps coming up in my head.


It takes a village doesn't it? At what point did we stop reaching out, or the better question might be, at what point did we close ourselves off so much so that we can't lend a helping hand.

It was obvious to me in the pool that this child was a fun, loving, energetic child. I have no idea what happened earlier in the day, what was going on in their world. What I do know is a message of we don't hit does not get translated when the person giving it reaches out and hits.

I keep thinking about the scenario, wondering what I could have done, or should have done. I wish I had the courage to step in, but the truth is I didn't. I have been asking myself why, and it all comes back to fear. Fear of what I might get myself into, fear of her reaction, fear of her feeling judged...fear.


I will never know what might have happened if I had done something. Maybe she would have said thank you, I could use a minute to gather my thoughts. Or maybe she would have told me it was none of my business.

I will never know. But what I do know is our society has changed. The village we need isn't there. I am working hard to build my village; a village to be there when I need them and to be there when they need me. We can't do this alone, we are not meant to do this alone. No other generation ever has. We need each other.

33 comments:

  1. Such a sad story Kim and you are right, we are not meant to be alone, we do need each other. My way has always been to lead by example, but in this case that was tricky. You never know how a stranger will react, but if you keep it light, asking if she might need a little help, empathizing with her she might take the offer.
    You are such a beautiful soul Kim.

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    1. Thanks for your thoughts Tracey and your very kind words :)

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  2. so sorry that you, and especially reece had to witness that. and i know what you mean about stepping in...fear of the response from that mother. may she move forward with grace and support from her village.

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    1. It was difficult and obviously affected me more than I realized. I do hope she has support and that I just caught her on a bad day.

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  3. I can't tell you how many times I have seen this, felt this, thought this. And how many times have I come to that same edge so many years ago as an unknowing young mother. Sometimes all we can do is send out warm thoughts, heartfelt prayers, and if we get the chance, a knowing smile. Chances are, if you were not separated by a changing room, this would not have happened. You would have had a chance to show by example, tenderness and patience, and I have no doubt she would have felt it. And sometimes, that makes all the difference. It's mothers like you that can change the world Kim, one day at a time :).
    xoxo

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    1. It is tough isn't it. I do think things would have been different if we had not been separated by the change rooms. We did speak casually in the pool, so there was already a little connection. It was just hard being in separate rooms.

      Thank you for your kind words.

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  4. As a mother who has no family anywhere near her, and only a handful of people I would leave my children with, we NEED the village. Last week when sick, it was just me. No grand mom, sisters, or neighbors to pick them up and give me space and room to heal, there used to be that village. I remember it with my Mom. When she was sick one of her sisters would come, clean, cook, and care for us until she was well. She did it for them. I remember people at the store who would entertain my sister and I while my mom picked up a few things. I am so sorry that you had to have this experience. it is awful when you stand there knowing you could help, but what if they don't want it. We have become so defensive in our world today. So quick to assume that the other person is judging that we have lost the ability to see the good being offered. No doubt she would have taken it the wrong way. So sad.

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    1. It is such a different world now, at least in North America. I so wish we lived closer Jennifer, I would want you in my village.

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    2. I would be honored to be in your village Kim.

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  5. That is always such a hard situation. And I have often found myself with a broken heart being a witness to a mother in need. I think it is our impulse as mother's to want to reach out to each other and give reassurance and empathy. We have all had hard days, hard weeks, lack of sleep, tension in our marriages...all of the strings that cut away at our sense of calm and serenity. Sometimes it is just kind eyes and a simple smile, letting her know she is understood and loved, even in this hard moment. Your mama heart is beautiful. XO

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    1. I wish I had the opportunity to offer a smile, hopefully next time. And thank you.

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  6. <3 I agree. We all need to stop judging and just start loving and helping each other. When did we all become so afraid to all get close and help each other?

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  7. I think about that everyday when D gets home. There is a weight that is lifted by having just one extra person around. I think I would have felt the same fear. I wouldn't have known what to do. I think I might have been afraid of making the situation worse.

    We have no one here I can leave my children with. No one to get advice from or lend a hand cleaning the house. Like you said why we decided to isolate ourself I'll never know. All I know is I am trying to find away to get that back even if it means up rooting us and moving somewhere new and foreign.

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    1. You can move here KC, I would love to have you in my village. It isn't easy to find the village, I am working on it, but still it seems to be such a foreign concept which makes it hard to make it work. I won't stop trying though.

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  8. What a sad incident for all involved. It is so unfortunate that the village is gone. We are expected to do all by ourselves. It's exhausting, overwhelming. While it isn't an excuse, it's easy to see how some get frustrated and inpatient. I think it was still there in our mother's generation. My grandma's were always there to help. Our generation, for get it. My mother still works 40+ hours a week (I don't blame her at all, in this economy she has to), my in-laws moved 1200 miles away because "it's time to do for them". When the time comes, I want to bring that village back for my kids.

    I don't think there are ever easy answers for questions like yours.

    xo

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    1. I don't think so either Amanda.

      I think we will be the generation to bring the village back, if not now, when are kids are grown.

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  9. Oh, such big and hard thoughts here today! You are right - the village is largely gone. Mamas feel more pressure than ever but also more isolated than ever. Where other cultures have generational villages helping one another out, Motherhood in America in the 21st century is a sink or swim, you're on your own type of deal. And it's hard - so hard!

    Hoping to continue to build my village, too. We need each other!

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    1. Sink or swim is right and that is just so wrong on so many levels, especially when we are talking about mothering. So very hard.

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  10. Oh dear. What a terrible place to be. I'm afraid I'm a buttinsky (butts in) and I think that age and life's experience gives you that, but that doesn't make it easy. I'm sure there is more than one person going home talking about what "that lady" at the store/park/whatever did. It has embarrassed my boys and there are times I think "What was I doing? I had no right." Whatever happens, your heart is in the right place and that all that matters.

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  11. We had a similar experience recently. There was no physical slap but the mother was verbally abusive to her children. I could hear the edge in her voice and yet didn't know how to help without offending or overstepping bounds...so many people are closed off now. hard to know what to do.

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    1. Hearing the slap made me cringe, I think that is what Reece noticed most. It is hard to know what to do. Wish there were easy answers.

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  12. that is always awkward. i use to work at a very kid-friendly place and i have seen some strange behavior between parents and kids. i know it's from a variety of issues/things but it does break your heart.

    i often wonder if being really kind to kids after was shaming or if trying to diffuse the situation was shaming. i don't know.

    as a person without kids, i never really feel it's my right to correct parents. i just know that public discipline makes me very uncomfortable. the hitting of children makes me really uncomfortable.

    anyway, i completely agree we are not meant to parent or even live alone{without community}. truly. we need a community, a village to help us no matter our situation. parenting without that extra support just seems to be distressing.

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    1. I just keep thinking how amazing this world would be with that extra support...can you imagine?

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  13. This pinches my heart a bit. I think motherhood can present some of the toughest situtations out there, on either side of the coin.

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  14. Just hearing about what happened makes me cringe. I do wish our world were different and that there were greater community. I could really benefit from it and really NEED it even, but it's so hard to find in my current living situation. There is nobody to come by to lend a hand on those long days of E being away and the friends that have availability now and then do not understand life with a baby and that I can't have the kind of spontaneity in meet-ups that I once had. And then when we are together...it's just not the same. There is definitely a need for moms supporting and being there for other moms and those that are willing to lend a hand or a shoulder when a deep breath is needed. So often I think about all of this and wish the community I can find virtually existed in my face to face life. I guess all we can do is continue to work toward that vision and try to find those that click and nurture those relationships most.

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    1. Oh Sara, hugs to you. Wouldn't that be amazing if we all had each other in our real lives...imagine, it actually gives me goosebumps thinking about it.

      I think you hit the nail on the head, we have to work towards the relationships we want, be open to new opportunities and then nurture them to their fullest potential.

      I do so wish I was their to help you, and give you that little breath you might need in your days.

      xoxoxo

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  15. Oh I feel this too. Had a conversation about this yesterday, and involved in a similar situation a couple weeks back. I wanted to say/do something but I didn't due to fear. I feared it wasn't my place, that I would have ofended the parents. I'm confident I would have upset them actually, and would have been told to butt out. But my heart aches for what happened, and that I did nothing. Working on building my village too. It's small but beautiful, strong despite the numbers and I'm grateful for honest sharing xx

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    1. It is so hard, isn't it? Fear held me back too, that is what freaked me out the most, I don't want to be afraid to offer help, it seems so strange.

      Small and beautiful is good.

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  16. Kim,
    Thank you for writing this post. It has been on my mind for days and I have been thinking about situations in which I would like to offer help to a mom, but also situations in which I could use help. There are times when my hands are full, the situation is less than ideal, and I could use the support of another adult to help me through the moment…but there is a certain shame in admitting that you need the help of a complete stranger to take care of your own children. I wonder what a mom could say to put another mom at ease, to let her know we are all in this together. Perhaps something as simple as, "I happen to have a free hand - can I do something for you?" There are times when I have gratefully accepted this kind of help from someone, knowing I need it in order to parent the way I want to in that situation, but there are also times when I feel annoyed at myself for needing help, and thus turn it down if it is offered, as though I need to prove to myself that I can do it on my own. Your post has led me to reflect on my own resistance to help, as well as my hesitation to offer help to others for fear of offending.

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    1. And this is just it, we really should not be afraid to ask for help, we can't do it all, nor should we be expected too. We need help and the sooner we realize that and reach out for the help we need or to help another mama that needs it the stronger our community will be. Can you imagine the lessons we would teach our children if we accepted or offered assistance on a regular basis? Can you imagine life in twenty years time filled with adults (our children) who grew up in communities in which people helped each other and received help from others? I think about it and it is pretty amazing.

      Now if we could just get over the fear of offending and the fear of asking for help...

      Glad you enjoyed the post and that it has lead to some reflection, always a good place to start :)

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