Lucky

There is not a day, not one day, that I don’t wake up feeling lucky. I know that might sound strange, but it is true. Every day as I open my eyes and I look over at the beautiful sleeping boy beside me I feel lucky. Lucky to be a mother, lucky to be the one he chose, lucky to walk his path with him, side by side, hand in hand. Our days together make my heart happy, and when he laughs, goodness I think my heart might burst. His smile lights up his face, and his eyes, oh his eyes, they say so much, and have the ability to look deep inside my soul. He is so full of life right now, every bit of him vibrating with energy that fills a room. He is eager to learn, taking on more responsibility, and slowly growing into an amazing young man.  

Now don’t get me wrong, we do have our off moments, when we are both tugging at opposite ends of the rope, trying hard to meet in the middle and not succeeding. Those moments are tough, but they are also the ones that teach both of us the most, about ourselves and each other. You see I had no idea how to be a mother when Reece came into my life, I mean no idea. Yes, I had a wonderful mother, and I had watched many mothers over the years, but nothing prepares you for the actual moment when that baby is placed in your arms and you become a mother. But Reece has been my guide, showing me what he needs, and how best to care for him. At times I feel like I don’t live up to what he needs, I think that is common on this mothering journey. I question, sometimes more than I should, my capacity to be the mother he truly needs. But at the end of the day, when we snuggle into bed to read, and to go over our day, sharing our best and not so best moments, and I watch as he slowly, peacefully drifts off to sleep, it is then, right at the moment when his eyes get heavy, and his breathing changes, right then, that I know I am doing okay.

I am lucky to be a mother, lucky to call this amazing little man my son, and so very lucky to witness the amazing journey he is on, by his side, cheering him on, watching, with pride and so much love, as he changes and grows before my eyes.

As the Sun Sets

As I stood at the kitchen sink last night, the warm water running over my hands as I washed the dishes, I watched the sun slowly fall behind the tree line. For a moment I was in awe as I witnessed the sun setting on another day. There was gratitude in my heart for another day lived well, and a little bit of sadness that another day had passed. Pretty quickly, though, my thoughts changed, and I realized that today was the day we could resume our after dinner walks. Oh my happy heart.

You see, I love our after dinner walks, but winter around these parts is very dark, and with no street lights whatsoever, after dinner walks become a thing of the past once we turn the clocks back in the fall. But this time of year, as the days lengthen, and the sun sets a little later each day, we can bundle ourselves up and head out to enjoy the setting sun, and a bit of winter fresh air.

And so, as the dishes sat drying on the rack, my little man and I headed out for our after dinner walk. He rolled in the snow, walked the dog, climbed a hill, walked in the woods, and then held my hand. I walked with him, laughed as he fell in the deep snow, snapped a few photos, and when he reached for my hand, held it as tightly as I could. It was dark when we returned home, the sun fully set on another day. Our rosy cheeks glowed, our smiles were huge, and inside my heart was happy.

The rhythm of our life here on this land is pretty special to me. We live with the seasons, adapting our rhythm to meet the natural rhythm of the earth. It feels right for us, and so very special, to have the guidance of Mother Nature in our life, to allow her a place in how we live, and to honour her in the small ways that we do. It is a gift to allow Mother Nature into our lives, and I hope my little man never forgets what a treasured gift it is.

Gratitude

~ for my morning rituals which ground and center me for the day ahead

~ for my connection to nature, and the way I feel when I am in the woods

~ for my little man, my greatest teacher, and the most amazing little person I know

~ for friends, both old and new, near and far...the love and support of so many has been amazing

~ for sunshine on very cold winter days

~ for beautiful night skies full of stars

~ for slow and simple days, and the act of being mindful as I move through them

~ for the time each day when I take the opportunity to focus on all the good things in my life

What are you most grateful for today?

Journey to Forgiveness

This life, the one I am living right now, is the greatest gift. It is a gift I only get once, and I can't return or exchange it, I can only live it in the best way possible. Over the last four months I have moved through a wide range of emotions. Some of them come and go, and some of them hang around. At times those emotions are all consuming, and they bring with them a heaviness in my center, a dead weight that I have to carry around with me. A weight that prevents me from eating, a weight that brings anxiety into my days, a weight that roots me to the past, a past I am ready to move forward from.

As I began this transition, I was doing very well with the acknowledgement of the many emotions I was feeling. I was doing well at noticing them, accepting them, and then letting them go. I felt strong, and was letting go, in small steps, to so many things, but a few weeks ago I felt like I hit a road block. There were some things going on that I am not comfortable sharing, but they quickly put a stop to the progress I was making, and if I am being honest, took me to what I think has been my rock bottom in this whole experience. It was hard, and it hurt. I felt lost, and I was so very unprepared for the moment of hitting rock bottom. So unprepared. But lucky for me I have the most amazing friends, and support system. Those friends, they had my back, they stood with me, they cried with me, and they lifted me up. They were there at a time when the world around me was crashing yet again. Because of them I am sitting here sharing my story, without them I am not sure I would be feeling as well as I am today.

And so I continue to move forward, and as I do, little things come into my life at unexpected times. Two weeks ago, as I shopped at a lovely little store, a book on forgiveness stood before me. I walked by it at first, but then I went back and picked it up. In that moment I knew what the next step on this journey was. I knew that I needed the healing power of forgiveness. I knew I needed to empower myself by moving to a place of forgiveness. I knew that if I didn't move through to forgiveness I would be blocking future healing and growth. I knew that I had this precious gift, my life, and in order to move forward in a way that is true to who I am, I needed to arrive at forgiveness.

On February 1 I began this journey. Daily I read a small quote from the book before my morning meditation, and then I let it sit with me. I return to it throughout the day, and just let it be with me as I move through my day. I can't quite express how much it is helping me, how it is lifting some of that heaviness that has been weighing me down, and how it has been allowing more and more light into my days. I am only eleven days in, but already I can feel a deep shift, a shift in my heart, the heart that was broken but is slowly healing.

Forgiveness isn't easy, and at times I wonder if I can fully forgive, but I know in order to enjoy this precious gift, this life of mine, it is something I must do. My journey to forgiveness has began, and I am sure it will be a work in progress for quite some time, but with each passing day I will get a little bit closer.

On Monday Morning

I sit in silence,
a candle flickers nearby,
and the light from the fire glows.
I am grounded and centered,
my morning yoga and meditation
complete.
A cup of tea sits close by,
my journal and pen beside it,
waiting for me.

Outside the window
it's still dark,
but I can see a hint of light
slowly brightening the horizon.
I take a deep breath,
pick up my pen,
and write.

Not much of what I write makes sense,
it's a mixture of words, emotions, thoughts
and more,
poured out on the blank page before me.
When I have emptied my heart and my mind,
I stop.
I put down my pen.
I close my eyes.
I breath...deeply.

After a moment I pick up my pen.
This time the daily to do list
is written,
the notes that will help me move through my day,
and remind me what needs to be done.

Before I close my journal,
I take a moment,
I set two or three intentions for the day ahead.
Purposeful things I want to focus on.

Then I sit again,
in the silence.
I sip what remains of my tea,
and I look out the window
at the light, and the day,
the beautiful, brand new day
that stretches out before me.

Ten Things

One
We have had a string of beautiful, spring like days here. It has been indulging to my senses, creating a whole lot of happy in my heart, and has allowed the kids to run free and wild minus their winter gear. Good times. 

Two
There are some pretty exciting things happening in my world, and I am excited to share them with you...soon.

Three
A wise person told me that on this new journey things would get a whole lot worse before they got better. I am finding this to be true, but am staying focused on the good things in my life, and that is helping me immensely as I find my way.

Four
The opportunity to sit down with a friend (and homeopath) last week and share my entire story of the last few months was both therapeutic and healing. Since then I have been moving forward from a better place.

Five
All summer I worked hard in the garden growing food, and later in the kitchen, putting the food I grew by for the winter. Reece and I are enjoying the benefits of all that work, whether it be a jar of dilly beans, a jar of peaches, or a vibrant green pesto, it is all delicious, and makes me so grateful for this land I call home, and the opportunities I have to tend and nurture it to feed us.

Six
We celebrated Candlemas on Tuesday by making candles and enjoying an outdoor fire in the afternoon. I love Candlemas, the halfway mark between Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox, and welcome the light, longer days, and warmer temperatures it brings with it.

Seven
I just finished this book, and highly recommend it. This one is next.

Eight
I am knitting fingerless mitts at the moment, just a project to keep my hands busy. Up next is a milo for a baby boy due next month, and a shawl for me, to be knit with yarn gifted to me last year on my birthday from a very dear friend.

Nine
Plans are being made for a trip down south to visit with my parents. The beach, the ocean, gorgeous sunrises...yeah, I can't wait!

Ten
Life is moving forward, it does that, and I have a choice to sit back and watch it, or I can be an active participant. I choose to be an active participant, to live each day, each moment as best as I can. I will admit it isn't always easy these days, but I am trying. The good news is when I try, and succeed, the choice to be an active participant comes with a few bonuses....joy, freedom and contentment.

I hope whatever is going on in your world that you are finding little bits of joy to brighten your days. Wishing you a beautiful weekend my friends.

Morning on the Homestead

Saturday morning found me making my way through the woods with field guides and kiddos, tracking animals. It was another Morning on the Homestead day, and we had a a great time. The woods were full of prints....coyote, deer, rabbit, and shrew tracks were discussed, identified, and followed before heading back for a snack and to warm up. Then it was back outside to make snow candles, and while they set, snow sculptures. By the end of the morning the kiddos were tired, and happy, and I was feeling happy and content.

I am loving these Morning on the Homestead workshops, and have some fun ideas planned for the spring session. Can't wait to share them with you.